she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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