When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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