Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
