you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
