Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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