If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
