Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish you could order shots online.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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