I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
