It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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