please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
