Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
