I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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