I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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