I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
