You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
