That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
