the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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