It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
