He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
