You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
