i just made my gag reflex go away.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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