New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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