do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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