rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
