where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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