Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
