I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
