if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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