New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
