I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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