I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
