he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
