The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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