You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
