my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
