I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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