I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
