Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
