How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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