PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
