Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
