finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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