You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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