I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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