i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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