everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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