i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
