The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
