I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i believe in u and ur pee
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
