i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My breasts were aching with rage.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
