She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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