Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
